How did your past relate to God??
Giving more thoughts to my past after the Friday GLC, from struggles to growth, I have the following "findings":
My past can be summarized as:
- a journey to know and acknowledge more and more about "God is love"
- a journey of finding and feeling home
- the development of "being stubborn" in what I believe
What did I learn from this reflection?
I truly believe God found me from the lost and not vice versa. Yet, from the reflection above I realized intruitively and unconsciously I was trying to connect back to God inside throughout all these years. I kept trying and trying hard, finding love, to be loved to be precise. At the time, my "best strategy" is to present myself nicely and almost perfectly so as to please everyone whom I ran into in my life journey. That's why even though I seem like a happy girl in appearance (yes, don't you know people like to see a simling little girl than a crying little girl?!!) I was lost ... dunno my identity, myself, my worth is totally based on others' values ... and was hurt deeply when I felt being rejected. But from this "tough training," I learn to understand and listen to others instead of imposing my own opinions (though I find myself getting worse on this!! *sigh*). And most important of all, I have been trying to please my dad the best I can despite how much disappointment and hurt I encountered in the process.
This also reveals why home is soooo important to me. No matter what happened at home: arguments, pain, hurts, cold wars, I still wanted to be home, and I still do. Home is where I want to be and I should be ... I'd feel so lost if I don't know where my home is, and feel so disappointed if I don't know what's happening at home.
Ever since God's love touched me .. I started learning to find my true self. God's love helps me to know more and more about myself, and at the same time, I'm able to learn more about God ... I found my value ... my value is no longer based on how others see me, comment about me .. I know my value is unshakable by others in God's eyes. I started to develop my image and my identity ...
It is interesting that from the process I remembered an instance that I forgot for a long time .. An instance that shows my "stubborness" was evident from waaay back ... hahaha ... I refused to eat one time as I was forbidden to pray before meal. I was about 6 years old then. Of course, I totally forgot to pray after that instance for almost 20 years!!! There were many others since that demonstrated my "stubborness", determination, persistence .. whatever you want to call it ... Hhmm .. I learned couple things from this. I need to be extremely careful in what I take as my value, since I can (almost blindly) keep following what I believe until I hit a wall. Second, I realized I have the "character" to carry something from start to finish, if that's something I truly believe.