Saturday, December 09, 2006

vent!!

I don't like complaining about work [Well .. to be more exact, I used to .. until I realize it is a minitry God entrusts me, and in it I can experienced Him more and more and enjoy His presence and the joy of Ministry. .. Of cuz, the fact that it is almost impossible to find anyone on earth who really understands and can emphathize your pressure, struggles is also another factor. so I'm better at not complaining ...) ... but I'm to a point that I really need to vent badly .. cuz I've spent ridiculous hours on something that should be quickly done in half a day originally!!!!

Have this pretty simple project in the midst of my much bigger and complex engagement and school work is .. well .. of cuz not what I prefer, but thought it is manageable .. cuz it's rather simple.

I guess we really can't overestimate our ability ... the first time when I saw the file after the senior performed the work .. I was quite frustrated .. but I thought .. well, may be he's never done such an engagement in Montreal .. may be I wasn't supervising enough since I was so busy at the other client ... so I gave him detailed explanation, instructions, and my expectations .. and spent like an hour going through those with him. Yet, when I returned the day before the partner reviewed the file ... I almost "au blood" ... not to mention the details .. so I worked with him to get the files in an ok shape for the partner to review.

The partner of course have some comments on some of the deliverables ... thinking it is just some straight amendment of word documents .. I asked the senior to take care of those on the last day before he is flying back to Montreal ... Coming in the office today (Saturaday) to clear this ... I really don't know what I'm feeling now .. cuz I've been through the frustration, the "au blood" stage .. It needs to be done .. and so I just have to spend the "unbudgetted" time fixing stuff ... Having to deal with all these stuff on top of claiming the client regarding staffing .. is really really really and very very annoying.

Well .. having written the above .. felt I over-reacted .. it's not really a big deal ... may be I still haven't recovered from my super lack of sleep in the past week or so. EQ is thus kinda low .. yet the requests and expectations are non-stop ... Ya .. a bit overwhelmed .. though thank God that I have my own little "sky" to vent~~

Really need to TASTE to fully and truly rely on God~~

Sunday, November 26, 2006

More thoughts on Friday GLC ...

How did your past relate to God??

Giving more thoughts to my past after the Friday GLC, from struggles to growth, I have the following "findings":

My past can be summarized as:
- a journey to know and acknowledge more and more about "God is love"
- a journey of finding and feeling home
- the development of "being stubborn" in what I believe

What did I learn from this reflection?

I truly believe God found me from the lost and not vice versa. Yet, from the reflection above I realized intruitively and unconsciously I was trying to connect back to God inside throughout all these years. I kept trying and trying hard, finding love, to be loved to be precise. At the time, my "best strategy" is to present myself nicely and almost perfectly so as to please everyone whom I ran into in my life journey. That's why even though I seem like a happy girl in appearance (yes, don't you know people like to see a simling little girl than a crying little girl?!!) I was lost ... dunno my identity, myself, my worth is totally based on others' values ... and was hurt deeply when I felt being rejected. But from this "tough training," I learn to understand and listen to others instead of imposing my own opinions (though I find myself getting worse on this!! *sigh*). And most important of all, I have been trying to please my dad the best I can despite how much disappointment and hurt I encountered in the process.

This also reveals why home is soooo important to me. No matter what happened at home: arguments, pain, hurts, cold wars, I still wanted to be home, and I still do. Home is where I want to be and I should be ... I'd feel so lost if I don't know where my home is, and feel so disappointed if I don't know what's happening at home.

Ever since God's love touched me .. I started learning to find my true self. God's love helps me to know more and more about myself, and at the same time, I'm able to learn more about God ... I found my value ... my value is no longer based on how others see me, comment about me .. I know my value is unshakable by others in God's eyes. I started to develop my image and my identity ...

It is interesting that from the process I remembered an instance that I forgot for a long time .. An instance that shows my "stubborness" was evident from waaay back ... hahaha ... I refused to eat one time as I was forbidden to pray before meal. I was about 6 years old then. Of course, I totally forgot to pray after that instance for almost 20 years!!! There were many others since that demonstrated my "stubborness", determination, persistence .. whatever you want to call it ... Hhmm .. I learned couple things from this. I need to be extremely careful in what I take as my value, since I can (almost blindly) keep following what I believe until I hit a wall. Second, I realized I have the "character" to carry something from start to finish, if that's something I truly believe.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

C1 U21 and U22

C1 U21 and U22
What's the code above?? Haha .. those are the section number and seat numbers of a concert we went to just this Thurs at Roy Thompson Hall ... cheap tickets yet very good seats ... It's a great performance too ... Really enjoy it. So thankful that there's an evening I can be quiet down and enjoy the "creativity" and "talents" of men ... Doesn't that remind us again how great and creative HE is??

Details of concert:
Goodyear Plays Mozart

Wed. Nov. 15 at 8:00 pm


Thu. Nov. 16 at 8:00 pm



TSO conductor laureate Sir Andrew Davis presides over a banquet of outstanding music spanning the Baroque, Classical and Romantic eras. He also contributes his own expert transcription of the towering Passacaglia and Fugue by Johann Sebastian Bach. Harold in Italy by Berlioz casts the solo viola as the main character, a heartbroken wanderer, in a picturesque symphony/concerto inspired by the fanciful prose of Lord Byron. Pianist Stewart Goodyear revels in a Mozart concerto, famous for its dreamy slow movement that was featured in the film Elvira Madigan.

The November 16 performance will be broadcast
live-to-air on CBC Radio Two.


Sir Andrew Davis, conductor
Stewart Goodyear, piano
Teng Li, viola



Bach orch. Davis: Passacaglia and Fugue in C minor
Mozart: Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major, K.467
Berlioz: Harold in Italy



Some pictures from my little palm .. hahaha

Friday, November 03, 2006

Spiritual Battles

What does “spiritual battles” mean to you?? For me, it was a term to express some struggles we face especially when we are serving God. But lately, through some events, this term actually becomes soo vivid that at a time I was scared;; scared to realize the realness and closeness of the battles around us. Whether you like it or not, admit it or not, you see it or not, it exists.

The reason why it suddenly hits me hard is due to deaths. Starting last year, I’ve been to quite a number of funerals and learned about people I know passed away. This week, I learned another young beautiful talented young lady, I don’t know her too well - she’s a friend’s friend, but we met and had some dialogues before, passed away .. just at age of 27. It is hard to deal with the feeling of loss especially for these prematured deaths. It is even harder to learn she’s actually starting to open up to Christ, or willing to listen and learn more about God.

So this scare feeling hits me when I learned about it … After some thoughts and reflection, I finally aware it’s the realization that the spiritual battles are sooo real and close that frightened me. Think we, at least I for sure, might have 1) underestimated the power of satan and what they can achieve (right, they still are under God’s “supervision” …) 2) overestimated our power on how much we can achieve (or fix); and 3) “over-dependent” (in lack of a better term) on God’s grace.

I think one of the reasons for the above is due to our lack of the alert of being in a battle .. we don’t see that we are in a battle due to the comfort we have here in North America in general. We see ourselves as outsider instead being part of the battle. It is sad to reveal we are actually in a battle yet we do not aware or are not alert about that. But without being alert, we are basically slowly giving rooms/grounds to satan without even realizing it .. (I’m not talking about the “win” of satan re: death .. I’m actually thinking about how we Christians react to these incidences .. something we don’t expect, we don’t want happening - how do we deal with our emotions etc. I believe we might lose grounds there for satan if we don’t deal with them properly.) this is sad. Like Psalm 1: 1-2 .. in order to act out all these .. we need to be alert and aware what situation we are in. Without realizing where we are .. we can basically do nothing, or we do not know what is the right thing to do!

Yet, I am thankful .. thankful for fellowships that God gifted to us .. so that we have support and companion in this battle .. we can talk through things, we can remind each other. Having a strong real fellowship (not just physically attending one) is like a castle – minimize the chance of being defeated. United and fellowship is a common theme popping up lately in my life .. and I’m really really thankful for all of you who “keep” me in fellowship!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Thanksgiving ...

After some discussions on Thur. I medidated (i.e. focus thinking) on the topic thanksgiving on Saturaday night. A very clear and vivid picture suddenly hit me. It is not necessary a new one, but the impact was big enough for me to remember vividly up to now ...

It is the picture of gifting ...

I don't know if you had similar experience, I do ... sometimes I prepared a gift for someone. For whatever reason, the person keep rejecting to take the gifts with different excuses and even changing contact information so that you cannot reach him / her easily. You might keep the gift for one year .. may be two .. but probably you'll give up after a few years and end up sending the gift to someone else or use it yourself instead of keeping it for the person forever ... At least that's what I'd do ...

During this thanksgiving, I would like to thank the One who kept a gift for me for over 20 years ... and never forget to try to ask me to receive the gift ...

My Lord is amazing that He prepared the gift for me even before I was born. After I were born, He tried many different ways to try to deliver the gift to me, yet I rejected it, excusing that I don't need it until later, and even hid away from Him ... He's patient and never gave up .. that at last I accepted it 20+ years later.

What I found most touching is that .. the gift is the same as what He had originally planned, not discounted or changed by any means because of my rejections etc ...

I really really treasure the gift cuz it is a personal gift for ME, and it is a gift full of love. The gift itself and also spoken through the delivery process ... I'm really thankful that I accepted it ... It's quite disturbing thinking WHAT IF the gift was pull away due to my years and years of rejection and neglection ... It is however make it more valuable that I finally received it ... Can't imagine what a Big LOSS it would be to me if I keep on rejecting, hiding, rejecting ...

Thank you God for the greatest and most precious gift!!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Snoopy's new friend

Snoopy has a new friend!!!! Yes ... Snoopy has been alone for the longest time .. He's the only one who actually got to share my bed since I don't even recall when .. but must be the 80s ...

Yesterday, I got a new friend for him ... it's Hamster Popo .. That's actually her *real* name (i.e. not from me) ... hahaha .. I never knew there's such a character with the same name as myself. Anyhow .. since I'm going to watching over her during my friend's absense in Canada ... She does have a very special status cuz of my friend and cuz of her name .. and thus is able to share my bed with Snoopy and me right away ... hahaha .. so happy we have another family member ...

Ooo .. but does that mean I have a smaller bed for myself?? Oh well .. I don't use up that much space anyway .. hahahaha

Come and meet Snoopy and Hamster Popo~~


Thursday, September 28, 2006

Examen

I am engaged in doing something called Examen lately ... WHY? WHAT? and HOW?

Let me get into the WHAT first ... Examen is basically an exercise which you asked yourself two questions: a) What am I most grateful for today? b) What am I least grateful for today? The idea comes from Dennis Linn's Sleeping with Bread, a book that I'm currently reading. Why would I pick up this book suddenly? It all go back to the nice lectio divina experience I had one Friday morning .. and the book was listed in the Bibliography of the material. (That would probably take another blog entry to explain and describe).

So .. WHY? An easy answer would be I am currently dying for some directions as to where to proceed in my life. There are options: just that none seems really feasible / workable .. or am I just being lack of faith? I want to explore more ... and find and walk on a path that really utilize my best to achieve the most! If you know me long enough, you know I'm a firm believer of God's guidance. But God's guidance doesn't jump out from nowhere ... so I'm hoping to engage in these activities to really reveal His guidance and also make myself more sensitive to His guidance. Examen is a good tool, I believe, as it helps me to reveal what gifts and passions God had and had not given me.

Being a science student (well .. back in high school) and one who likes to think, I do try to find out the root cause of my own behavior .. but w/out Examen, I'd just do it casually, meaning only do it when I feel like it. With Examen and getting myself to commit to the Examen, help me be more discipline. I've just started for approximate a week ... Interesting enough, I haven't found anything astonishing so far, mainly just reconfirming my passion ... but I found it a good way for me to explore myself deeper in a different way ... especially to find out what is the one moment I most grateful / least grateful .. some days I have to think really really hard and debate within myself what is THE most grateful or THE least grateful moment. And it is interesting to see that I'm not an overly positive nor negative person .. as in some day I find it easier to come up with the most grateful, in others the least grateful ... Am I really balance?? No .. not that extreme .. hahaha

I enjoy this exercise .. as it gives me a moment to really review and reflect; to see how God has blessed me every day .. and to see my deepest needs, weaknesses etc ... Sometimes we take everyday for granted .. we think every day is the same, but actually every moment is an experience and every day is a new day. Able to review and reflect on what happened in our lives is important to keep at least myself in sanity.

I don't know if it really would give me a solution on my burning desire to get some direction ... but I really enjoy doing it .. so think I'd continue on ... ^.^

Monday, September 18, 2006

Give thanks for such a wonderful home group

Yesterday, I was listening to "Give thanks" .. a very familiar tune that I probably have all lyrics memorized and can "recite" without much thought ... Yet the version I was listening to is a bit different ... it's slower and much *grand* ... so I was able to really "taste and see" the lyrics ... then it moved my heart so deep that I was in tears~~~ Yes ... there's really a lot I give thanks for and I have been giving thanks for ... cuz I know .. without God, there's no me ... at least not the one everyone is seeing now. God really takes me through a lot!! I give thanks for all the goodnesses He gifted me .. I also give thanks for all the challenges for I always found Him there beside me .. walking with me.

Then today .. we had an awesome home group gathering .. I give thanks for my home group .. as I really see how the group grew together .. how our bondings deepen .. how we support each other in our faith journey ... It is true that our faith may differ within the group, some may be stronger, some weaker ... Yet from the sharing I see how we were each others' support to grow deeper in Christ .. It is really amazing and touches my heart. I know that's the fellowship that God really calls us for; that's the church that God builds.

I was just in awe sitting there, listening to brothers and sisters of all ages witnessing the work of God ... life changing witnesses ... God's been doing amazing things among us, but let us not just sit back and enjoy the moment for too long ... I'm sure God has a lot more blessings for us to see and taste ahead ... We haven't reached the goal yet ... Let's continue to taste and see His blessings and doings all along the race.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good ... " (Psalms 34:8)

P.S. I was reading the above scripture one Friday morning with a best friend of mine in a very quiet yet beautiful retreat site ... In green pastures .. w/ quiet waters ... so nice ... When I read the passage ... "taste" and "see" really jumped out at me ... and when I think more on the passage ... I kinda see the following: "see" is more passive .. cuz when something happens in front of us or around us .. we see automatically no matter if you want to or intended to or not. Yet "taste" requires an action of ours ... to willing to experience something, to take that in and to taste it (not swallow) .. it needs a leap of faith. It gave me a challenge at the time, I was asking how was I, am I and will I taste the goodness of the Lord ... Yet today ... I saw it a bit differently ... I saw that God is still in control .. He's still the one taking initiative. He not only let me see .. but let me taste His goodness .. so that I know first hand that He's really good ... that the little faith me can really know deep in the heart that He is good!! I'm still a baby in His arm getting fed!! Hahaha .. got to admit .. this feels good!! (yea yea .. I know .. I can't be a baby all the time .. but just for a little while, ok?? ) But my conclusion is still unchange! Yes, God is good and God is really good!!! With a sincere prayerful heart, I pray that one day my beloved parents can experience His goodness and the love and joy that He brings.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Writing

I like writing ... yes, like writing more than talking .. may be I'm a slow person, can't take things too fast .. and writing gives me the time to pause, think and reflect. I don't know if you find it this way, but sometimes I find we talk way faster than we think, which results in lots of misunderstanding, confusion, hurt ... you name it. May be it's easier to control our hands than our tongue. Or cuz writing kinda "last forever" that people will be more serious and responsible about it. To me, writing is also a great way for me to express myself, share my thoughts, enhance my creativity ... It also calms me down and help me get my "facts" straight.

Even though I like writing, you can tell I have a BIG problem keeping up with my writing!!! Yes, it's all because of my weakness in overcoming the first step - to sit down and write ... First step is always always the hardest .. and often times I'm too timid to take on the challenge!! But I really do want to do more writing .. Why?? It's something I enjoy doing .. and it is something that help me to understand myself a bit more .. my thought process. It is really fascinating to realize how much we do not know about ourselves ... And who knows .. may be one day, I'll just write!! (will u buy a copy if I really do??) So I really want to take this first step ... may be it's too late .. well .. it's never too late!! Thanks to Olia, my coach, for encouraging me to do more writing. (hahhaa .. yes, I know you encouraged me to do more .. but ... hahahaha .. one at a time, one at a time .. and hahaha .. it's always the one that I'm most passionate about =P )

OK .. really not sure how much I can hold this for (esp when busy season clicks in .. and assignments are due) but I wanna give it a try ... to try to write a little something ... hm.. say .. once a week ... Will you keep me accountable? Yes, we all need support and reminders throughout our lives.. Thank God that I have you!! ^.^

Thursday, June 01, 2006

笑話一則

繼昨天的一個response, 叫一位好姊妹噴血後, 今日又一力作 .. 不得不記下自娛一番 ... 哈哈哈

話說今天在client site 收拾準備回公司時, 和一好同事用 same time text chat .. 正在此時, client site 既一個同事問問題 ... 應對完畢, 望望個 laptop .. 然後 type in "exit" try to close the DOS window ...

但打後個 window 仲係度 .. 這時才發現原來"個"個唔係DOS window .. 係我之前同這同事既 chat window!!!! 原果你有 sametime ... 你會知道DOS window 同 same time chat window 好唔同 ... 最離期係我由始至終都知道個window 係我同個同事聯絡的 medium ... 今次連我自己都笑到嘔!!!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

More bday pic ...

Hahaha ... more pic ...

Thanks a lot Ray, one of my best friends, to throw this little "late lunch" for me. (having said that ... Kezia, I'm still not sure why he's one of my friends!!! And no no no .. I never introduced him to you .. may be he introduced himself?? WAHHAHAHHA~~)

Thank you all for taking some time out from their busy schedules!!! Thank you thank you!!!


Monday, April 24, 2006

Insights from "奪寶奇兵" sermon

今天的信息中, 牧者很有心的預備, 引用 "奪寶奇兵" 內的三個挑戰 - 謙卑, 清楚神的話/名, 信心的跳躍 ... 來 illustrate 信息..

初看時最觸動的是信心, 其實在近年中, 發覺當自己戰驚地踏上一步時﹐便真的如戲中般能看清及看到神的已預備的道, 有時可能是整條的道﹐有時可能只有一少部份 ... 但就是因這些看見﹐讓我的信心再進一步的躍進, 進而看得更多更深。 所以現在很多時都會開始踏出 comfort zone ... 因為不想因自己暫時的看不見而失卻了機會 ...

可惜, 最近好像要加把勁 ... 於某些事情上, 自己全沒有勇氣踏前又或是看見任何的道可行 ... 當我再進深的思想, 其實是否自己未曾謙卑? 未曾讓神工作? ... 未曾好好的聆聽神的話? ... 以至未能擺上這信心 ... (唔 ... 這樣看來, 這三樣實是不能分隔的 ...)

不論要行的怎樣, praying that I can have reverent submission before God, the Lord ... 行出要行出的, 教我能再進深的經歷神的豐富。

Friday, April 21, 2006

媽﹕ 啊﹗其實做牧師有無人工呀﹖
女﹕ 當然啦。
媽﹕ 咁你話嗰D 傳道人呢﹖ 又有無人工﹖
女﹕ 當然啦﹐都要食嘛﹐會有收入啦。
媽﹕ 哦 ... 我以為佢地係義工嘛 ...

媽媽永遠都係世上最可愛及疼愛自己子女的一位 .. 雖然有些話沒有宣講, 但盡在不言中 ... 謝謝妳﹐我的好媽媽~~~

Sunday, April 16, 2006

合唱團其實一直是自己很渴望能夠參與的, 但因時間問題自己不能 commit 所以便"打消"此念頭很久。 雖然植堂後也有多次的"詩班" 獻唱﹐但每次都是比較短及"淺"。 今次的受苦節崇拜算是最大"規模" -- 除了崇拜後的十數分鐘的練習﹐我們總共"加班"三次﹐ 每次個多兩個鐘 ... 但要練習的合共有八首之多﹐且大部份都要分部唱 ...

當晚出來的效果十分之好﹐是比大家所想所求的為皆。 各樣的配撘都十分好。 在最後 rehersal 後﹐很多詩班員都受詩歌的感動。 自己在當晚在中途 唱到"甘背十架"和"古舊十架" 時都感動非常, 因一連串的詩歌﹐彷彿帶我到耶穌被賣的那夜, 被釘 ... 但他仍說他為愛我的源故, 甘背這十架 ... 而台下的弟兄姊妹同心的回應"古舊十架" 實是很美的一幅圖畫 ... 很enjoy 及感榮幸自己是一份子 ...

感謝神讓我們有好的指揮, 盡心的指導及精心編排的詩歌 ... 感謝神讓我們有這麼用心團結的弟兄姊妹為當晚的崇拜盡心盡力 ... 最感謝神讓這一切變得完美﹐超過我們所想及所求﹐讓祂自己的名被尊崇﹐被高舉 ...

感謝神讓我有此教會﹐在當中去認識及經歷祂的真實﹐慈愛及大能! Thanks for letting me dance with You~~

繼續失魂

繼上次分享的超級失魂記後, 又一“力作”。

今天崇拜後有一位英文堂弟兄告訴我﹐ 我車子的左後輪有點"flat"﹐提醒我要給它pump pump 氣。 這時我才記起好像兩個多星期前 (又或已是更久之事)﹐ 有位弟兄已經提醒過我 ... 哈哈﹐ 但明顯地﹐我又忘卻了。 最近雖每天都駕車返工﹐但始終也沒有留意到或記起﹐ 為免再次忘記﹐我今次一到酒樓見到家人便跟他們說﹐(嘩﹗太醒目喇~~) 午飯後我要到油站pump 氣 .. 終於我成功地好好pump 返條呔!

唔 .. 今次結論係 ... 駕一輪不太普遍的車子係好的﹐那末便方便人家通知車主~~~ =P

Friday, March 24, 2006

March 24

Got a long day ahead, so just a short note ... T
he day didn't start too well .. haha .. not surprising after 3.5 hr of sleep.

Anyway .. long story short .. some things came up that kinda got me upset .. but then suddenly this came to mind: "Love is in me to give~~" Then I feel better .. though still tired.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Happy Day


Sharing other people's happiness sometimes make me feel even happier. I am happy today, cuz it's my mom's bday and dad bought her nice flowers .. so nice & sweet~~

Of cuz being a nosy me, I made the bundle look even "prettier" by arranging them in the vase using my "random art taste." ... hahhaha





Happy Birthday, Mom!!

Friday, February 10, 2006

失魂魚

今天當了一個超級失魂魚 ...

失魂魚事一: 今日因下班後要接一位姊妹去練歌 ... 那姊妹家在 Yonge & Finch ... 我plan 左的 route 便是take Don Valley 然後 401 W, exit Yonge go North ... 駕著駕著, 當我exit highway 時, 便call 姊妹告訴她我五分鐘後到 ... 但一路感覺為何央街寧靜了那麼多... 再留心點, 才發覺我早咗一個exit 出 .. 這是Bayview, 不是Yonge!!! Da!!

失魂魚事二﹕練習完後, 送姊妹返家 ... 本該從Bayview 直行到Finch ... 但我於Steeles 便轉右去了 ...

唉~~ 真怕會把那姊妹嚇怕 ... 但我平日的方向感真的沒有那麼差~~ 可惜還未夠還有 ...

失魂魚事三: 話說油價下滑 ... 跌到77.2 ... 自己的車已“滿油”沒有入 ... 但家裡部 Corolla 有半"江" ... 因爸爸有張二十元代用劵﹐ 所以便叫我也注滿小油桶 ... 雖然天氣十分極之寒冷, 但一切順利 ... 回到家把車泊好, 便把車房門關上 ... 哎呀!! 油桶仍在車尾箱內 ... 雖然油站與家不到兩分鐘車程, 但我已把它忘得一乾二淨 ... 若不是媽媽提我, 弟弟便可能要車著油桶上教會去!!!

要記的, 便忘得乾淨 ... 想忘記的, 又偏偏重覆於腦內~~~ 可笑不可笑??

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Cool ...

How often do you follow your inner voice? I've been trying in the recent past, but today I failed ...

Haven't been on the 5:30pm go-train for the longest time .. when I hopped on it .. it was full of ppl, I had to walk a few carts before finding a seat.

After I settled down, I started my go-train reading while the guy sitting next to me were sleeping. About half way through my ride, the guy woke up and started coughing ... I think he was irritated by his thoat, he brought out his bottle of water and drank some. Then keep clearing his thoat every once in awhile. At first, I just kept reading ... but suddenly a thought came to mind: "Oh! I have some "Fisherman's Friend" on me, may be that would lessen his 'irritation' ... " ...

I started searching in my purse .. for no reason (my purse is not that big), it took me like a minute before I found it .. but when I found it .. I hesitated: "Hm ... would I scare him? May be he'd find me weird and so '8 gwa' ... He seemed to be getting better now ... It is really odd to offer a stranger 'food' ... He might be sceptical ... ..." Thousands of excuses and questions popped up at the same time. However, I can feel my heart deep down to want to help and lessen his suffering ... I asked myself ... What Would Jesus Do? ... For sure, Jesus would walk up to him and offer him help! ...

The train captain announced the upcoming station, it is the station I get off at ... but I still have time .. at least 2 to 3 min. I hesitated and struggled ... the pack of "Fisherman's Friend" was just sitting right at the edge of my purse ... I could easily grap it and hand it over ... But at last, I chose to stand up and walk down the stairs waiting to get off ...

*Sigh* ... feel bad ... where was my passion? Why was I still so timid after all these years~~ The most remarkable thing is .... Found it really irony ... I kept commenting today's world is too cool, yet I myself chose to walk away instead of giving a helping hand.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

我的神是又真又活的!!!

心情懷透, 正盡情用文字發洩情緒, 模糊中聽到唱機正在播放一首的詩歌, 當中的詞觸動著我 ...

"凡勞苦重擔 當親近耶穌
必享安息 必得滿足
凡飢渴慕義 來尋求耶穌
必享甘泉 必得飽足

注目看耶穌 定睛看耶穌
聖潔公義主 十架上耶穌
注目看耶穌 定睛看耶穌
謙卑親近主 跟著祂同步 跟著祂同步"

突然心情平靜 ... 找到我的答案 - 要注目定眼看耶穌 ... 但神實在比誰更明白自己 ... 接著的一首歌, 緊緊的繫在我心

"我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
不可忘記祂的恩惠
祂赦免你一切過犯罪孽
醫治你疾病復原
我的心 你要稱頌耶和華
不可忘記祂的恩惠
祂以仁愛慈悲為你冠冕
為受屈的人伸冤

天離地有何等的高
祂的慈愛也何等的深
東離西有多麼的遠
祂使我的過犯也離我多遠
耶和華有憐憫的愛
且有豐盛無盡的恩典
從亙古直到永遠
耶和華祂是我的神"

心感神的大愛, 同在, 祂最是明白我, 永遠在我最感孤寂無助時在我身邊拖帶我走 ... 然後淚水隨著樂曲落下, 數算神的恩典 ... 神的應許, 祂的話語是我的力量! 永不改變, 也是不能改。

Friday, January 20, 2006

Don't waste MY life

"Don't waste your life" - 一個十分catchy 的標題, 叫我無法不去把它取下閱讀 ... 最近越看這書給我更大的insight ... 叫我的腦袋又不停的轉動 ... 讓我和你分享一些內容吧﹗

(Jesus Christ) himself is what we need. If we only trust Christ to give us gifts and not himself as the all-satisfying gift, then we do not trust him in a way that honors him as our treasure. We simply honor the gifts. (Piper, p.70)

.. the greatest joy in God comes from giving his gifts away, not in hoarding them for ourselves ... God's glory shines more brightly when he satisfies us in times of loss than when he provides for us in times of plenty. (Piper, p.72)

Christ aims to be magnified in life most clearly by the way we experience him in our losses. ... When everything in life is stripped away except God, and we trust him more because of it, this is gain, and he is glorified. (Piper, p.73)

[2 Co 4:16-17] "Momentary" refers to a lifetime in comparison with eternity. "Slight" refers to suffering and death compared to the weight of everlasting joy in the presence of God. This is what we gain if hold fast to Christ. This is what we waste if we don't. (Piper, p. 73)

We cannot avoid risk even if we want to. Ignorance and uncertainty about tomorrow is our native air. (Piper, p.81)

... it is right to risk for the cause of Christ, and not is to waste your life. (Piper, p.81)

Monday, January 16, 2006

Busy season stress already started

昨天晚上睡得很是不好 ... 當黃昏與家人到商場逛時 (其實total 只逛了less than an hour)﹐實在太倦 ... 結果不到半句鐘, 我便要到 food court 坐下及小睡片刻才可支持到飯局 ... 真是從未如此這般 ...

話說昨天(Sat)﹐ 因為早上有appointment, 黃昏又有相約了數位姊妹及朋友到一個基督徒聚會﹐ 便決定不回公司﹐只work from home for a bit, 所以還有未完成的工作﹐便決定星期一提早到公司finish the work ... 昨晚在半夜時不斷的"扎"醒 ... wonder 為何﹔鬧鐘遲遲未響 ... 終於忍耐不住看看桌上的鐘 ... "嘩﹗乜快七時多﹐那我如何能早回公司完成工作?" .. 整個人便醒了﹐ 責怪自己為何會教錯鬧鐘!! 當靜心再想想﹐ NO!! 今天是星期天呀!! 但可惜已再不能好好入睡 ... 哎 ... 當發覺原來自己已習慣一個星期只有一天不用上班時, 便感嘆busy season stress 的威力!! 真的很是不健康!!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

False hope

昨晚又收到一個不愉快的消息 ... 想不到在短短的五個星期中﹐有四位自己直接或間接相識的親友相繼離世 ... 加上上星期美國礦場的悲劇﹐ 令腦袋近日不停的轉﹐ 沒有好好的休息。 死亡突然好像十分的接近。 沒有驚恐﹐但有強烈惋惜的感覺 ...

人的生命真的很脆弱。 更是未能預料 ... 看著聽著一個個的生命離開世界﹐很是令人痛心。 工作最近頗忙﹐ 所以沒有太留意新聞。 當週未和家人茗茶時﹐ 才從母親口中得知礦場這悲劇的發生。 聽著聽著﹐不知怎的淚水已在眼珠內不斷的滾動。 當中的感覺是復雜的 ... 一方面感動人間有情﹔ 另一方面替死者的家屬痛悲 - 特別當得知因消息錯誤而帶給他們短暫的 false hope (假的盼望) 時更甚。 那種由天空跌至深淵的心情是極之難受的 ... 但當中更 trigger 自己去想的事是聽到死難者的遺書 ... 當中他們流露了他們對家人的愛﹐ 盼望他日在天堂相見﹐重逢 ... ... (其實真的覺得自己這樣想很是殘忍 ... 但又無法制止不去想 ... ) 當聽到他們遺書的內容自己第一個反應是﹕ 他們是否真有上天堂的把握及確據呢﹖ 不是懷疑﹐ 乃是真的希望他們有正確據﹐ 而不是 false hope, 不是人云亦云的覺得人死後便能到天堂去 ... 到現在我仍覺得自己有這樣的想法很是殘忍﹐ 但卻是揮之不去。

在記憶中﹐每隔一段時間便會有較大型的 poll 問大家覺得自己死後會否到天堂 (at least in the US, I think) ... 每次result 都是大比數覺得自己死後會及能夠。 但教會仍不被重視﹐ 道德觀不斷滑落﹐普遍的價值觀被撓曲 ... 如果每個人都帶著一個 false hope (假的盼望) 活著﹐ 那是多麼悲哀的事!! 當那天真相大白時﹐ 那是多麼悲痛的事 ... 礦場死難者的家屬所有的false hope 只是短暫﹐ 但我們仍可感受及想像他們內心所經歷的悲哀。 假若那 false hope 是一生的﹐那傷害真是令我不敢想像 ...