Saturday, December 26, 2009

random ...

I really am longing for a real break ... It's been a week after I finished my exam and assignments, yet my life is continue to be driven by other tasks / commitments / last minute "urgency" ... Continue to be in debt to my lovely "sleep."

Sometimes I wonder do I know what am I getting myself into? Why don't I insist in not helping when asked ... but then is it what God asks me to be? to have a comfy life? .... On the other hand, it is also a struggle to help, struggle to just give God very rough "offering," ("求其"的事奉) with little time of preparation, little prayers and meditation; not giving Him my best. Struggles never end, yet God is gracious .... Though it continues to bother me as to where to draw the line ... maybe maybe ... maybe that's not the answer God wants me to answer ... I just need to be on my knees~~

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Season of Advent

Advent - a season of joy? a season of anticipation?

In this Advent season, many memories came to mind, to be accurate, not very pleasant, painful, hurtful memories ... At times these bother me, not only do they bother me as they trigger my emotions, they bother me also because of "guilt": ain’t I suppose to expect for Him joyfully in this season? Why these sad stories?

But as I let them flow and touch me deep down, I found that there is a beautiful message in every one of my story ... He is there, He sees, He touches it, and He delivered me!! Without Him, my life will be so different!!

This is the reason I can be joyful and joyfully expecting His return and to celebrate His birth! God's good! So Good! He's good for who He is, and He just make it so much more understandable and apprehend-able through His touch on me, over my life~~

God teach me to be grateful and thankful!! And these are the attitudes I need as I am awaiting in this season. Continue to give thanks for what He had done. Let me rejoice, rejoice in anticipation~~~

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Busyness ...

Despite the number of times I said I need to get away from the busyness, get away from being occupied with and being driven by many various tasks ... I always find myself being caught in busyness time after time~~

Is busyness really unavoidable for people in this century? I hope not, cuz in my busyness, I can't breathe. Well, to be exact, when I'm so busy that my life is being driven by the various activities, I feel stressed, and feel so burdened that I can't breathe. I'm sure this is a signal that I need a break~~

This signal has been on for a few weeks now, but no break yet still ... so bad~~~ Thank God that He always gave me a way out ... only in quietness, in prayers, in singing, and in writing that I can find pieces of myself (and peace in myself!) in this busyness.

I was very upset with myself this morning when I got to church ... It's a gospel Sunday, and I intended to try asking mom to come. I had been praying about it for a while too, yet I forgot about it totally from Wed on ... I even saw mom and talked to her for a bit this morning over breakfast and I still didn't recall the gospel Sunday until I entered into our "gathering place." I blamed it on this busyness, yet I felt bad too. Why didn't I just ask earlier? I felt guilty for not praying for it till the end, for letting it slip off my mind ...

Yet, God is good ... Though tired, I joined choir practice tonight. I was able to connect with a sister for a little chat, and then couple hours of practice on a number of very meaningful Christmas hymns. They remind me the goodness of God. God is good, God is so good that He knows when I need to be lifted up and be encouraged~~ His timing is always soo perfect~~

Let me not let my eyes slip away from Him in the midst of my busyness, as He's my strength and energy, the One who sustains me through~~

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Everyone wants to be loved and to be understood ... but how often do we put too much expectations on others, and how often do people just being too insensitive and pushing the line too much? Like any other things on earth, there's the tension, the dilemma ...

I don't eat lamb for its "weird" taste (at least to me) ... but I learn to tolerate it so that I can sit comfortably with others who eat and enjoy it. At times, I even ate a little piece of it when I'm around people who really love it and think I'm really missing out the best thing on earth, yet I'd never order lamb as main course -- to me it is a torture.

Yet, when I open my lunch box, it's lamb .. I actually didn't aware of it until I started eating ... First reaction, wanted to spill it out~~ I understand the effort and all the work has been put into preparing this, I know I *should* appreciate it, but at that time, I was angry ... I really am, for I know they know do know I don't eat lamb. Why force me to eat it? And a whole bowl of it!!!

Seconds after, I was angry with myself for getting angry ... why don't I appreciate the work in preparation? why do I have to react so negatively? It is not like I'm allergic to it, it is not poison ... I don't think I'll die after eating the lunch ... why can't I just eat it with gratitude? Don't you see there are many out there starving, and you are sitting here being picky about your food?

Yet, I expect them to understand and never force me to eat something I don't like ... is it too much of an expectation to ask? They know it, it is not news to them ... It's plainly painful to know people don't care what you like and dislike, and force "something" on you, especially someone close to you~~ BUT ... may be they just forgot about it somehow ...

Starring at the lunch perplexed ... I thought of throwing it all away to express my anger, but think it is too rude on second thought ... so I took all the lamb out into another bowl .. and just ate the rice and vege ... The rice is of taste of lamb too, but it's at least bearable to handle, and the unpleasant taste can be easily "washed" away by a cup of coffee~~

A really really small matter, yet it bugs me ... and I still can't make sense out of it ... is it valid to be angry, to express my pain/ disappointment? or is it plainly immature? ...... Need wisdom ... wisdom to handle and to make right my feelings to self, so that I can own it and not to suppress it ...

Now I also need the grace of God to help me get back into my study and writing up my assignments~~

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Side by Side

As we walk side by side,
and as His love becomes our guide,
we will join hands and be one family
because God's love is what the world should see.

As we build each other up,
He fills our heart with His love,
we will join hands so all the world can see
we are the Lord's own family.

We are the Lord's own family,
our love is what the world see,
and as we uses His love to build each other up
We're building up the Lord's own family

一首我很是喜愛的<<團歌>>. 歌詞很是有意思, 每次唱都溫暖我心.
今天有機會再唱這歌時, 我唱時又再一度熱淚盈眶. (上一次類同事件都差不多是五年前的事罷了, 是團友歡送我植堂時所唱的, 情境爍爍在目 ... 那次的我是強忍著淚水). 今天也是因離別令我再次唱這歌時熱淚盈眶 - 因這是我們送給 Jenny 的一份禮物, 一份心意, 告訴在天家的她, 我們永遠也是她的家人, 她的弟兄姊妹.

追思會中, 述說 Jenny 的一生及分享團契弟兄姊妹 "合筆" 給她寫的一封信 ... 每一個的追憶都是那麼的窩心.

Jenny, 真的很懷念妳, 感謝天父讓我有機會和天使一般的妳於地上相識, 更深信我們會在天家再聚~~ 期盼這一天 ... 但我會好好緊記妳給我們最後的一句說話, 訓勉: 好好珍惜我們的生命氣息, 把握時機盡心事奉主!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

送給妳的 ...

還不懂得反應, 甚至理性和感性都未有好好溝通, 但忽然很想把內心的重化為這首所謂的詩獻給妳和妳愛的人.
To: Jenny

懷念妳 懷念妳
妳不愛高談闊論 妳卻有細密心意
沒有哈哈大笑 卻有幽默心思
雖沒向妳傾吐心事 卻是相愛相知

細少的妳 勇氣可不少
堅守著信念 默默在作戰
默默承受 默默禱告
卧在病床上 仍為親愛人設想
皆因深信 愛是恆久

懷念妳 懷念妳
深信妳已在主懷中 受到主愛與看守
活在天堂的一角 等著我們再聚首

懷念妳 永遠懷念妳

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Self-discipline ... Self-control ...

I hate the feeling of running after time, so I prefer being organized and usually would start planning and doing various little stuff ahead to get myself organized ... But May and June has been ridiculous ... Ridiculously busy and full of unexpected/unplanned events.

So here I am feeling pressed of the *SOON* due assignmentSS ... *sigh* ... Yet I am still procrastinating .... Due to seem like a mission impossible, do not have idea as to where to start the biggest assignment, feeling fatigue, being lazy ... etc etc ... can give you (and most importantly myself!!) tons more, yet I know these are all excuses!!

When did I start being a person lack of self-discipline and self-control? Really annoyed and frustrated about it~~ I know it is not by my own strength and will but at times I'm too proud to stop and ask God for the peace and strength; simply want to do it by my strength ... probably just like dealing with this assignment!!! *sigh* Lord, really need your peace, your rest, and your reminder so that I truly know who is God!

"Be still, and know that I am God!"

Saturday, April 04, 2009

My first attempt

Well, there are a few things that I think as a human I need to attempt at least once in life, need to go out of our comfort zone and do it ... I don't know when and why I had this in my mind, yet I am very grateful that God ONLY put more sensible things in my mind over the years (more a meaningful activity vs a dare).

This time ... I am attempting Famine 30 (note the tense!). Seriously, it is much a harder decision for me than many other things that I have decided to do before .. because I know I don't have the best stomach. Stomach is one of my weakest point, and I get stomachache easily ... I am not very comfortable (of cuz it is not going out of my comfort zone in the first place, but it is uncomfortable to another level), and thus have been thinking whether I should do it. At last, I decided to give it a try without officially registered for I truly question if I can really handle the 30 hours - haha .. so little faith I have!

For the first 12 hours or so, it does not affect me much physically ... However, during our gathering and sharing time with other brothers and sisters from church who are doing it as well, the notion of choice suddenly hits me! Yes, I am "starving," yet so full of my own will, and I always know that if my physical condition cannot handle it, I could quit anytime for my own sake. Yet there are millions and millions of people (most are children too who are physically weaker than I am) on this earth who are being put to starve unwillingly. Some even don't know what "starvation" is for they never had been full all their lives!! As I was enjoying my meals everyday, do I realize the injustice in this world? Do I remember those who are suffering, or do I simply give thanks for my food - delicious, hot, and good food?

As it is approaching 15 hours, the mid-point mark, I am thinking ... yes, the stats is really true (Stats regarding the fact that we will still be healthy and functioning as usual if we eat only half of what we normally eat.). I am still functioning and functioning well with only water and juice~ We, people in developed countries, are really consuming too much on this earth!! If we all cut our food consumption by half, there would be way fewer famine and people living in hunger in the world.

(updated April 4 - evening)
The second half of the 30 hours was not too bad, partly because a few hours had been spent in sleep, and then surprisingly (and thankfully) my stomach was very calm, it might sound a couple times but I don't feel much hunger nor pain. Instead, I started to feel a bit cold in the morning. As I was putting on more clothes, I think of those in hunger - when they are weak and cold, do they have extra clothing to be put on and keep them warm?

As I continue to ponder why I don't feel much hungry, I believe it is because I constantly drinking water and at times fruit juice (at times I felt headaches, but usually it disappeared after taking some fruit juice) ... How about those in the 3rd world? How many of them have clean drinking water to consume? How many would have juice to supplement the "missing food"?

The hardest time for me is the last hour, not so much in terms of hunger for me .. but energy level ... I felt like sleeping all the time though I am not tired physically. I was not doing any vigorous physical activity which requires lots of energy, I simple was reading a book (trust me, it wasn't that boring) but I found it hard to concentrate and keep shutting my eyes unconsciously very often. At last, I needed to keep myself physically busy to keep awake (really don't wanna let the last hour went by in sleep "unconsciously," would want to really experience it to the best I can). I suppose it is probably the effect of not having enough nutrition / sugar in body? Food not only affects our physical condition, but our condition, for instance, to learn as well. During this financial tsunami, we often talked about retrain workers. For workers in the 3rd world, even though there are resources to retrain them, if their living condition does not get improved, it will take them extra energy and extra effort to be retrained. Do the general public understand that or would they simply think they are not as smart and look down on them? The lack of food in the 3rd world is no small business!

After the experience, I found it quite an irony. ON the one hand, we tried to experience and feel how those in hunger feel, on the other, we can never truly experience it for we have many protective shields to ensure our health and safety (Don't get me wrong, I am not saying they are not important!) which those in the 3rd world do not have the luxury of having.

However, I am truly thankful for the experience! Thank you Lord for giving me the chance and sustaining me to go through the full 30 hours in famine to understand more of how those in hunger feel. Praying that I will not forget any of the above lessons but continue to strive for justice in this world for those are our fellow brothers and sisters being created in the SAME image of God.

If you have a chance to read this entry of my blog and feel the need of helping those in hunger and poverty, you may consider getting an adopted child in a 3rd world country or help support (financially, physically, prayerfully, or in any creative ways) some of those organizations who are working very hard to minimize the number of hungers and poverty in this world. In case you are interested, one of my favorite organization in this area is Compassion - ^.^

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Abraham's faith

I think I can better apprehend the faith of Abraham ... but may be I'm still a long way.

Be obedient even to give up your seemingly one and only last hope!! Hope that is so dear to your heart and one that God promised - be father of many many. If I were Abraham walking up the hill ... what would I do? Would I even walk up the hill?

It is already hard to give up something that you hope for, not to mention when the possibility of "reoccurence" is super slim, if not impossible! You are like giving up your ONE and LAST chance that can make your dream/hope come true!!

Really need lots of wisdom, courage and guidance from God! My only assurance is in God Himself, not that He can fulfill and give, but He will for sure be with me no matter what! Is my faith big and strong enough? Lord, teach me and show me!

Friday, February 20, 2009

You surely will not die / 你們決不會死

Though hard, the more I studied Hebrew, the more I enjoyed it. Especially enjoy the insights and discussions with friends (classmates) from reading the bible from its original language, without any massage from interpretations etc.

Here to share with you my finding from two verses, they are both out of Genesis.

Gen 2:18: Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." (NASB)
A very familiar passage yet also with many controversies. Some feminists would suggest since God use "helper" to describe woman, whom God created after He said this, and that "helper" is a term commonly used to describe God being a helper of man throughout Psalms, women are actually superior to men!

Reading this passage in Hebrew is actually interesting. We noted that there is one word in Hebrew that's not being translated in any of the English version bible - kenegdo, which literally means "like/as his opposite". From our discussion, we believed it is best translated as "like his counterpart", which emphasizes the equalness of the two genders, no one is superior than the other or subordinate to the other. Of course, we also was wondering how come this never got translated in the bible ... I wonder if it were translated in the first place, would it not help diminished the many arguments between men and women to be the superior?

The second passage I came across lately is from Gen 3:4, which have couple translations, or I should say interpretations.
Interpretation #1 - You will not die
NASB - The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die!"
新譯本 - 蛇 對 女 人 說 : 你 們 決 不 會 死
Interpretation #2 - You may not die
KJV - And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die
NIV - "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman.
和合本 - 蛇 對 女 人 說 : 你 們 不 一 定 死 ;

In Interpretation #1, the serpent is giving a clear message to the woman that she will not die from eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, whereas in #2, the serpent is only giving a suggestion that may be she won't die from eating.

From the Hebrew text, there is a "no/not" word in the phrase, and then the rest of the phase is a strong emphasis expressing that one will die. Based on the Hebrew grammar, it should really mean that the serpent is confidently saying to the woman that they will not die. The whole discussion was brought up as many in class had heard sermons about the serpent tempted the woman by suggesting that they may not die from eating instead of the serpent telling the woman that they will not die.

The above also attested to something that I was looking into earlier regarding the origin of the 和合本 Bible. This translation was being translated by missionaries to China in the 18th C, and its translation of Gen3:4 coincides with that of the KJV and NIV somehow attesting to that the translation was highly influenced by the English translation verses the original language. Of course, we cannot draw conclusion from one evidence, yet it is interesting to note.

Both of the above are very good discussions, and they give me joy and encouragement to continue to learn the original languages of the Bible~~

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Lecture in the Dark

As usual we had our class tonight at 6:30pm ... at around 7:20/25pm, the light suddenly went out. When we look out of the building, the neighborhood was out of light and so were street lights. Given that everyone was eager to continue on the discussion and to hear the insights from the professor on the topic, we all agreed to continue on despite there was only very limited lighting - from emergency lights out at the hallway, and some classmates' laptop screen.

Amazingly, we continued studying like that for another half an hour patiently and hoping that electricity will be back again. Unfortunately, there was still no electricity in school and the surrounding neighborhood that we had to cut our class short and ended at 8pm.

It was quite an experience having a lecture in almost complete darkness, and fun to continue pressing on my cell phone for some lighting to help me make more organized notes. What I found was really amazing is that despite the severe learning continue, everyone was still very eager to learn, and the professor was diligently teaching and giving all that he had. That is a beautiful picture - very comparable to one of my favorites "glow in the dark".

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Extra caution needed on weekend/holiday driving!!

I was on the road very early today to drop my brother off at the airport. Weather was nice ... traffic was good as it wasn't too busy, was able to drive max speed. Yet while I was enjoying my ride on my way back home, within 10 min, I witnessed couple EXTREMELY dangerous "ACTS" on the highway. First, a car was trying to get into the highway from a ramp, obviously couple cars in front of me had slowed down for him/her to get out from the ramp .. yet the driver still hesitated and ended up staying in the soon-ended lane. As a result, it came to a full stop at the little "triangular" space between the right lane and the lane from the ramp; everyone drove by it slowly and cautiously. Witnessing that, I fear for him/her ... wondering how he/she is ever going to get into the highway safely? All the cars passing by is at a speed of close to 80km/h if not 100km/h or more, while it needs to accelerate from 0km/h.

Then shortly after, when I was about to take the ramp off to Yonge St, I saw a car with white light slowly BACKING out from the ramp!! It scared me BIG time!! It did safely reached the "triangular" area where the lanes split as I drove passed it .. but it was extremely scary. What if I didn't see it and didn't get to slow down/ stop in time??

Really not sure what to say ... other than ... Drive with extra caution on weekends and holidays, my friends!! Though traffic is less, the road might be more dangerous than driving on weekday rush hours!! *sigh*

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

滿有恩典的交通意外 A very blessed car accident

交通意外絕對是我想避免的, 無論是大是小, 總要花上好些時間去處理事件. 與其他相關車主交涉, 報案, 報燕梳, 煩煩複複 ...

今天, 一個絕對寒冷非常的日子, 我便遇上了交通意外 ... 被撞的一刻, 感到相當的無奈, 憁惱 ... 但當事件繼續發展我看到神對我莫大的看顧及恩典 ...

1. 剛與父母親吃畢午飯, 他們便在附近, 很快便能到場協助 =)
2. 因我和父母飯後原要到不同的地方, 所以各自駕車, 父母並沒有同車, 以致沒有受傷.
3. 因下著微雪, 地面非常滑, 駕駛速不度不高, 也因地面沒有太大的阻力, 減少對我及車的受損. (被撞時, 我只感到我的車子是飄著, 不是被推著!) 雖然對方的車子是直接撞向我的位置(司機車門), 但我並沒有損傷.
4. 神給我出乎意外的平安, 以致我能沈靜地與各方交涉.
5. 對方車主願意合作地交換車牌, 燕梳等資料.
6. 因沒有人受傷, 911 說不用派警察到場; 但在最適當的時候便有一輛警車路過, 助我們達到共識~~
7. 將近農曆新年, 不用花費太多, 車子便可以有一件"新衣" - 正確來說是新門 =).

神的恩典真是遠超我所想所求, 也真是十分的夠我用!! 謝謝您, 天父, 您時常的看守及無微不致的愛護!

Car accident, no matter big or small, is something I wanna avoid. Lots of time and efforts are needed to take care of one ... to communicate with the other involved drivers, reporting to police, reporting to insurance ... very time consuming and tiring.

Today, an extremely cold day, I had a car accident ... I felt really depressed and frustrated when I got hit ... but seeing how everything unflowed, I see the Great Big love and protection of God ...

1. Just had lunch with parents, so they were nearby and could come assist very shortly.
2. As me and my parents were planning to go different places after lunch that we both drove, parents weren't in the same car with me, so that they were not hurt or anything.
3. Due to the snowy weather, the ground was very wet, both car weren't driving in high speed. Also due to the wetness, friction was greatly reduced that protected me and also reduced the damage of my car (when my car got hit, I felt that me and my car were flying instead of being pushed - a very smooth slide over). Though the other car hit directly to the driver's door, I wasn't injured.
4. God gave me peace that I could be calm in dealing with various parties.
5. The other driver was cooperative in exchanging information, such as driver's license, insurance etc
6. Initially, the 911 call center said they are not going to call any cop over as no one was injured; but at the most suitable time, a cop drove by and helped us get things settled.
7. My car can have a "new coat" (to be exact, a new door) for the Chinese New Year, without me having to spend much.

God's blessings are way beyond what I can imagine, and for sure are more than enough for me!! Thank you Lord, thank you for your protection and care ALWAYS!! Really really thankful~~