Saturday, December 26, 2009

random ...

I really am longing for a real break ... It's been a week after I finished my exam and assignments, yet my life is continue to be driven by other tasks / commitments / last minute "urgency" ... Continue to be in debt to my lovely "sleep."

Sometimes I wonder do I know what am I getting myself into? Why don't I insist in not helping when asked ... but then is it what God asks me to be? to have a comfy life? .... On the other hand, it is also a struggle to help, struggle to just give God very rough "offering," ("求其"的事奉) with little time of preparation, little prayers and meditation; not giving Him my best. Struggles never end, yet God is gracious .... Though it continues to bother me as to where to draw the line ... maybe maybe ... maybe that's not the answer God wants me to answer ... I just need to be on my knees~~

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Season of Advent

Advent - a season of joy? a season of anticipation?

In this Advent season, many memories came to mind, to be accurate, not very pleasant, painful, hurtful memories ... At times these bother me, not only do they bother me as they trigger my emotions, they bother me also because of "guilt": ain’t I suppose to expect for Him joyfully in this season? Why these sad stories?

But as I let them flow and touch me deep down, I found that there is a beautiful message in every one of my story ... He is there, He sees, He touches it, and He delivered me!! Without Him, my life will be so different!!

This is the reason I can be joyful and joyfully expecting His return and to celebrate His birth! God's good! So Good! He's good for who He is, and He just make it so much more understandable and apprehend-able through His touch on me, over my life~~

God teach me to be grateful and thankful!! And these are the attitudes I need as I am awaiting in this season. Continue to give thanks for what He had done. Let me rejoice, rejoice in anticipation~~~

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Busyness ...

Despite the number of times I said I need to get away from the busyness, get away from being occupied with and being driven by many various tasks ... I always find myself being caught in busyness time after time~~

Is busyness really unavoidable for people in this century? I hope not, cuz in my busyness, I can't breathe. Well, to be exact, when I'm so busy that my life is being driven by the various activities, I feel stressed, and feel so burdened that I can't breathe. I'm sure this is a signal that I need a break~~

This signal has been on for a few weeks now, but no break yet still ... so bad~~~ Thank God that He always gave me a way out ... only in quietness, in prayers, in singing, and in writing that I can find pieces of myself (and peace in myself!) in this busyness.

I was very upset with myself this morning when I got to church ... It's a gospel Sunday, and I intended to try asking mom to come. I had been praying about it for a while too, yet I forgot about it totally from Wed on ... I even saw mom and talked to her for a bit this morning over breakfast and I still didn't recall the gospel Sunday until I entered into our "gathering place." I blamed it on this busyness, yet I felt bad too. Why didn't I just ask earlier? I felt guilty for not praying for it till the end, for letting it slip off my mind ...

Yet, God is good ... Though tired, I joined choir practice tonight. I was able to connect with a sister for a little chat, and then couple hours of practice on a number of very meaningful Christmas hymns. They remind me the goodness of God. God is good, God is so good that He knows when I need to be lifted up and be encouraged~~ His timing is always soo perfect~~

Let me not let my eyes slip away from Him in the midst of my busyness, as He's my strength and energy, the One who sustains me through~~

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Everyone wants to be loved and to be understood ... but how often do we put too much expectations on others, and how often do people just being too insensitive and pushing the line too much? Like any other things on earth, there's the tension, the dilemma ...

I don't eat lamb for its "weird" taste (at least to me) ... but I learn to tolerate it so that I can sit comfortably with others who eat and enjoy it. At times, I even ate a little piece of it when I'm around people who really love it and think I'm really missing out the best thing on earth, yet I'd never order lamb as main course -- to me it is a torture.

Yet, when I open my lunch box, it's lamb .. I actually didn't aware of it until I started eating ... First reaction, wanted to spill it out~~ I understand the effort and all the work has been put into preparing this, I know I *should* appreciate it, but at that time, I was angry ... I really am, for I know they know do know I don't eat lamb. Why force me to eat it? And a whole bowl of it!!!

Seconds after, I was angry with myself for getting angry ... why don't I appreciate the work in preparation? why do I have to react so negatively? It is not like I'm allergic to it, it is not poison ... I don't think I'll die after eating the lunch ... why can't I just eat it with gratitude? Don't you see there are many out there starving, and you are sitting here being picky about your food?

Yet, I expect them to understand and never force me to eat something I don't like ... is it too much of an expectation to ask? They know it, it is not news to them ... It's plainly painful to know people don't care what you like and dislike, and force "something" on you, especially someone close to you~~ BUT ... may be they just forgot about it somehow ...

Starring at the lunch perplexed ... I thought of throwing it all away to express my anger, but think it is too rude on second thought ... so I took all the lamb out into another bowl .. and just ate the rice and vege ... The rice is of taste of lamb too, but it's at least bearable to handle, and the unpleasant taste can be easily "washed" away by a cup of coffee~~

A really really small matter, yet it bugs me ... and I still can't make sense out of it ... is it valid to be angry, to express my pain/ disappointment? or is it plainly immature? ...... Need wisdom ... wisdom to handle and to make right my feelings to self, so that I can own it and not to suppress it ...

Now I also need the grace of God to help me get back into my study and writing up my assignments~~